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inanhourofdreamingDo you ever meet someone, or spend time with someone, with whom you are almost too similar?
I have two roommates (they are sisters, but not MY sisters). And one of them, J, who was my best friend way back in elementary/middle school and is the same now, is really different from me, but in a way that is very complimentary. She's opinionated and a bit forceful, but we also have loads in common. So while we very occasionally bump heads, as you do with anyone you spend loads of time with, pretty much anytime there is something irritating or annoying it just gets addressed immediately and doesn't have time to build into anything worse. I honestly couldn't pick someone better to live with. We're comfortable in each other's spaces, and have similar expectations of what our friendship looks like.
Then there is the other sister, D. And I want to be clear here, she is also an excellent person -- smart, thoughtful, fun. But, for a variety of reasons, we have these weird moments of tension. Just as J is open about pretty much everything, D is a total closed book. She's working on a PhD and is stressed about it frequently, which I understand (having done multiple stressful degrees myself). She's doing psychology. She also was on antidepressants/anxiety meds for a really long time, and went off of them about a year and a half ago. So the thing is, I don't think she's ever really developed her own ways of dealing with conflict, or stress. (also a note here: antidepressants are great if you need them, I have taken them at multiple points, ZERO shame for that). Doctors are the WORST patients, and I think it's a really similar thing here. If something is bothering her, she won't actually say anything at all about it for a long time until she just snaps and gets aggressive. It's something she knows about herself, and presumably is working on -- that she's not great with conflict. And I actually get that.
I used to be horrific at conflict. I'd lock myself in my room, and avoid telling people when they were pissing me off, and just get annoyed that they didn't already know how I felt. And then I'd snap, and be an asshole about it. And the thing is, you absolutely cannot go about relationships that way. It's not fair to the other person, who is not a mindreader, and it makes you both frustrating and a dick to deal with. It's interesting, because I think for a long, long time, because of her profession, she's seen herself as someone patient and understanding and I'm positive that is how she is in a professional context. But being the person who has that job can be exhausting and you have to learn ways to release that tension without taking it out on other people. She also tends to default to her therapy mode when we're speaking, which is probably part of the problem. Friendships aren't therapy sessions. In therapy, you can't really give advice or opinions on a situation. In a friendship, you do. It's about letting the other person see who you are. So it creates this distance where you hold yourself back and you can't create a legitimate connection. It makes you inscrutable. Which, again, great for a therapist, terrible for a roommate. You have to turn off the therapist and be yourself.
The thing is, I'm not really sure she knows who that is. She spends most of her time doing work related to her PhD, and the rest watching tv or going to places J and I have already picked to go to. And she definitely has fun, it's not a problem of hating our choices or not being capable of socializing. It's just she doesn't have preferences a lot of the time, or doesn't know enough about herself to know what they are. She struggles choosing what style of clothes she likes, or how to decorate her room. She doesn't have any hobbies. J and I tried to ask her a few times what she likes to do and she DIDN'T HAVE AN ANSWER. I can't even imagine what that's like...I've always loved the things I've loved, always had opinions about things. So J and I have been low key trying to help her figure stuff out. But honestly, she's almost 30. It's never too late, obviously, but at the same time, once you've identified a problem or something you are personally unhappy with (and to be clear, she is the one who has said she doesn't like this about herself), you have to actually start the work of changing it. Start trying new things, see what sticks.
I guess I'm just a little frustrated. A big part of it is that I have far less patience than I'd like for repress-and-then-snap behavior because I used to do it, and it's something I really don't like about my younger self. The second is just that I really, really do not like anger and aggression over small things when it's completely unnecessary. You aren't doing anyone any favors by holding things in when you're annoyed, or you feel like someone isn't paying attention to what you want, or isn't picking up on whatever signals you think you are sending out (ya'll, your signals are NOT as obvious to other people as you think, especially if you are a genuinely quiet person). I did this ALL THE TIME when I was younger. It's the worst. You can't go around thinking you are doing people favors by letting them choose things, or doing what they've decided, or whatever else you are holding deep-seated resentments about, when you haven't given any input to the other person. You cannot frame letting someone else make choices as you doing things for them. If you, IDK, get annoyed at someone for leaving dishes out or having to do what you think is extra cleaning (another roommate tip: everyone ALWAYS thinks they are the person doing the most, and you probably do not notice half of the work your roommates do -- this is why chore charts are the best idea), YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT. You can't just let it boil inside you and then freak out one day.
This is what being an adult IS. Learn how to have uncomfortable conversations. Learn how to address things when they are still small things. But smaller kinds of self-awareness, too -- if you aren't feeling great, or you're tired, or you think maybe you're just feeling shitty and snappish in general, let the people around you know! It doesn't have to be the other person's fault for that to be incredibly useful for both of you. It makes an unbelievable difference when the people around you know how you're feeling. People are usually happy to stay out of your way, or cut down on noise, or pick up an extra chore here or there just to help you out when you're feeling crappy.
Anyway, that is my frustration at having been snapped at by a roomie last night who I have found out this morning basically just hasn't been sleeping well and feels like shit. I will probs post later with fun stuff, shit I read this week, and whatever else is on the brain.
I have two roommates (they are sisters, but not MY sisters). And one of them, J, who was my best friend way back in elementary/middle school and is the same now, is really different from me, but in a way that is very complimentary. She's opinionated and a bit forceful, but we also have loads in common. So while we very occasionally bump heads, as you do with anyone you spend loads of time with, pretty much anytime there is something irritating or annoying it just gets addressed immediately and doesn't have time to build into anything worse. I honestly couldn't pick someone better to live with. We're comfortable in each other's spaces, and have similar expectations of what our friendship looks like.
Then there is the other sister, D. And I want to be clear here, she is also an excellent person -- smart, thoughtful, fun. But, for a variety of reasons, we have these weird moments of tension. Just as J is open about pretty much everything, D is a total closed book. She's working on a PhD and is stressed about it frequently, which I understand (having done multiple stressful degrees myself). She's doing psychology. She also was on antidepressants/anxiety meds for a really long time, and went off of them about a year and a half ago. So the thing is, I don't think she's ever really developed her own ways of dealing with conflict, or stress. (also a note here: antidepressants are great if you need them, I have taken them at multiple points, ZERO shame for that). Doctors are the WORST patients, and I think it's a really similar thing here. If something is bothering her, she won't actually say anything at all about it for a long time until she just snaps and gets aggressive. It's something she knows about herself, and presumably is working on -- that she's not great with conflict. And I actually get that.
I used to be horrific at conflict. I'd lock myself in my room, and avoid telling people when they were pissing me off, and just get annoyed that they didn't already know how I felt. And then I'd snap, and be an asshole about it. And the thing is, you absolutely cannot go about relationships that way. It's not fair to the other person, who is not a mindreader, and it makes you both frustrating and a dick to deal with. It's interesting, because I think for a long, long time, because of her profession, she's seen herself as someone patient and understanding and I'm positive that is how she is in a professional context. But being the person who has that job can be exhausting and you have to learn ways to release that tension without taking it out on other people. She also tends to default to her therapy mode when we're speaking, which is probably part of the problem. Friendships aren't therapy sessions. In therapy, you can't really give advice or opinions on a situation. In a friendship, you do. It's about letting the other person see who you are. So it creates this distance where you hold yourself back and you can't create a legitimate connection. It makes you inscrutable. Which, again, great for a therapist, terrible for a roommate. You have to turn off the therapist and be yourself.
The thing is, I'm not really sure she knows who that is. She spends most of her time doing work related to her PhD, and the rest watching tv or going to places J and I have already picked to go to. And she definitely has fun, it's not a problem of hating our choices or not being capable of socializing. It's just she doesn't have preferences a lot of the time, or doesn't know enough about herself to know what they are. She struggles choosing what style of clothes she likes, or how to decorate her room. She doesn't have any hobbies. J and I tried to ask her a few times what she likes to do and she DIDN'T HAVE AN ANSWER. I can't even imagine what that's like...I've always loved the things I've loved, always had opinions about things. So J and I have been low key trying to help her figure stuff out. But honestly, she's almost 30. It's never too late, obviously, but at the same time, once you've identified a problem or something you are personally unhappy with (and to be clear, she is the one who has said she doesn't like this about herself), you have to actually start the work of changing it. Start trying new things, see what sticks.
I guess I'm just a little frustrated. A big part of it is that I have far less patience than I'd like for repress-and-then-snap behavior because I used to do it, and it's something I really don't like about my younger self. The second is just that I really, really do not like anger and aggression over small things when it's completely unnecessary. You aren't doing anyone any favors by holding things in when you're annoyed, or you feel like someone isn't paying attention to what you want, or isn't picking up on whatever signals you think you are sending out (ya'll, your signals are NOT as obvious to other people as you think, especially if you are a genuinely quiet person). I did this ALL THE TIME when I was younger. It's the worst. You can't go around thinking you are doing people favors by letting them choose things, or doing what they've decided, or whatever else you are holding deep-seated resentments about, when you haven't given any input to the other person. You cannot frame letting someone else make choices as you doing things for them. If you, IDK, get annoyed at someone for leaving dishes out or having to do what you think is extra cleaning (another roommate tip: everyone ALWAYS thinks they are the person doing the most, and you probably do not notice half of the work your roommates do -- this is why chore charts are the best idea), YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT. You can't just let it boil inside you and then freak out one day.
This is what being an adult IS. Learn how to have uncomfortable conversations. Learn how to address things when they are still small things. But smaller kinds of self-awareness, too -- if you aren't feeling great, or you're tired, or you think maybe you're just feeling shitty and snappish in general, let the people around you know! It doesn't have to be the other person's fault for that to be incredibly useful for both of you. It makes an unbelievable difference when the people around you know how you're feeling. People are usually happy to stay out of your way, or cut down on noise, or pick up an extra chore here or there just to help you out when you're feeling crappy.
Anyway, that is my frustration at having been snapped at by a roomie last night who I have found out this morning basically just hasn't been sleeping well and feels like shit. I will probs post later with fun stuff, shit I read this week, and whatever else is on the brain.
